From the decades (2.5) of infinite wisdom I’ve accumulated from observing human nature (better known as stealth people watching), I’ve formulated the trustworthy test*
You cannot trust someone if:
1. They eat the American cheese that comes individually wrapped in plastic
2. It says “sexy” or “baby” across the ass of their sweatpants
3. They have a pet ferret
4. They chose to plaster a close up picture of their face put on their debit card
5. They live in Hollywood. By choice.
6. They have a Canadian accent but don’t play hockey. Actually. Just if they have a Canadian accent.
7. They don’t high five you for a teenage mutant ninja turtles reference
8. They drive a hybrid hummer
9. They don’t have a middle name
10. They don’t get their fries animal style at in n out
This is all based on my keen human observation expertise and should not be taken lightly. You’re very welcome for this gift. More to come.