I want to formally apologize for beings so obnoxiously preachy and optimistic lately. All this recent booking success is getting to my head and clouding my cynical edge. Long gone are the posts fueled by misery as a theatrical agent I suppose.
Nonetheless, I know there’s still a bit of wit somewhere in me, and I felt it creeping up on the set of Tosh.O yesterday. Here’s a guy whose cynicism is the groundworks of his fame!
So here’s my Friday Rant list. Because why not spend Friday sulking about the idiocracy of the week instead of posting “TGIF bitches!!” posts all over twitter.. even though you know damn well that you are probably going to work through your weekend, get too drunk and make bad decisions, or waste it overeating on your couch.
1. The over bearing hairdresser. Right, you think cutting my hair is the only way to make it grow longer because you’ll be cutting off split ends. Well genius if you cut off the split ends, the hair is just going to split even higher up, causing you to cut shorter and shorter.
2. I get it, you’re Jewish. But I’m not. And I don’t know how to respond when you say Mazel tov.
3. I’m so happy you uplodaded two photos per minute the entire week you were on vacation! You should have just stayed home and googled your destination, since all you did was experience it through your cell phone camera and uploading clever comments on instagram …then waiting to see how many likes you get.
4. Laser hair removal doesn’t work. I don’t care what anybody else says. I suffered through 6 painful sessions, and there is still hair.
5. Granola and yogurt parfaits are not a healthy morning choice. They are a dessert. But.. no. A dessert.
6. Oh I have the eating disorder? I munch on fruits, veggies, hummus, and lean meats all day and take multivitamins. You starve yourself then eat 3 pieces of pizza with soda. But I’m the one with the disorder because I prefer salad for dinner instead of starving myself and binge eating junk with you. Makes sense.
8. Trail mix. Show me one person who can eat just one serving.
9. Sticky lipgloss. Which manufacturer thought adding glue to lipgloss made sense. And why did everyone follow suit.
10. That makeup artist who poked me in they eye with the mascara wand and I had to drive the half hour home with one contact on. I hate you.
11. The casting director who decided the wardrobe should be a bathing suit and heels. I hate you so much more.
12. When the nail girl clips your cuticles until they bleed. Then acts pissy when you only tip 3 dollars. Sorry, I wanted a light pink color, not red.
13. Girls who drag their heels because they cant walk in them. Or the girls who stomp their feet like dinosaurs for the same reason. Or the ones who manage to do both, against all odds.
14. Crop tops. Who decided these are in style? Like really? what asshole dude is the mastermind behind this? What happen to good old tunics and moo moos. when can they come into style?