*Disclaimer: My definition of perfect might be slightly different than yours. Please take itinerary with a grain (or two) of salt… and a lime wedge. (see what I did there).
12:00 PM. Hooray! you’ve hit The Office at the right time and it’s two for one margaritas! Slurp them down with guacamole and arguably the world’s best shrimp tacos.
12:15 PM. Holy F-ing Shit. It’s 2 for one margs at The Office and now you’ve lost all control over your limbs. Keep sunglasses on until further notice.
1:00 PM. While you’re demobilized in your chair, expect a visit from the Mexican Rambo. Don’t try to resist his tequila shots. DO pull away if he tries to steal a kiss.
|Note to self. Refrain from making kissy face when Mexican Rambo does steal kiss.|
3:00 PM. Fight your way past the frat kids to a courtside table at Mango Deck. Resume the mass consumption of tequila.
3:30 PM. Convince bride to go on stage for a competition. Acknowledge that there’s no prize besides public humiliation. Remove bathing suit top at lightening speed to help her win arbitrary, prize-less contest. Video tape everything for future blackmail purposes.
|*All discriminating photos can be procured for the right price, please private message me for details|
4:30 PM. Convince your bravest friend that it’s a great idea to enter the wet tshirt contestdespite that the announcer’s sister is inappropriately fondling her jugs (yes I said jugs, but god damn it that’s what they looked like… just ask @pepelicious1 on instagram if you don’t believe me) on stage next to said friend. Console friend with tequila shots when she comes in 2nd place. Video tape everything for future blackmail purposes.
6:30 PM. Find way home to hotel. Consider showering. Spray oneself with perfume instead.
9:00 PM. Dinner at Hacienda. Order the churros. Experience bliss.
11:00 PM. The time has come to sell one’s soul to Squid Row. Pimp out bridal party to the bachelor party that has the best table location at Mandala. Force bride to complete an impossible checklist of embarrassing dares. Be absolutely shocked when she actually makes her way through the list. Celebrate appropriately. Do notice that the strobe lights are controlled by middle aged men dressed in black and holding laser pointers. Don’t question the music playlist.
4:00 AM-ish. Dance out of club and into a cab. You may order best vehicles at https://vegaspartypeople.com/las-vegas-party-bus-rentals/. Post inappropriate things on social media. Order room service, but fall asleep before it gets there.
1:00 PM. Delete inappropriate things on social media. Apologize for previous night’s actions and vow never to step foot into the sin-laden Mandala ever again. Call for same exact room service order as night before. Confuse management at checkout with duplicate order to get previous night’s removed from bill.
2:00 PM. Take cab to the Marina. Curse friends as they endorse animal cruelty and pay for photos with heavily sedated and badly abused baby lion cub. Hide jealousy that they got to cuddle with said baby cub. Join “Stop Lion & Tiger abuse in Mexico” facebook group while waiting for exploitative friends.
|THE OWNER OF THE BLOG DOES NOT ENDORSE THIS PHOTO.|
2:30 PM. Buy 10 margaritas for 10 dollars because you can. Disperse amongst friends and take on boat cruise to Lovers Beach. Take selfies in lifejackets with arch behind you. Mimic sea lion noises to get a rise out of the 2 dozen lazy lumps lounging on jutting rocks. Finish margaritas. Put on sunglasses until further notice.
4:00 PM. Go back to The Office because you have never been one to learn your lesson. Repeat same mistake as day one.
6:00 PM. Wander down beach screaming over one another about last night’s debauchery. Draw unwanted attention from bachelor party. Encourage attention once you find out they have cases of Moet and an infinity pool overlooking the ocean. Abandon all common sense and follow bachelors into their lair. Pop champagne.
9:00 PM. Convince said bachelors they need to treat you to dinner at Ediths. Gorge yourself on some of the best food you have ever eaten. Do participate in the group tequila shot with the entire restaurant. Don’t question how many times your gallon margarita glass has been replenished.
11:00 PM. Dance into club and situate oneself comfortably at new friends’ table. Choke on champs as you come to the horrific realization that you broke your vow… you’ve found yourself back at Mandala. Make the noble decision to just embrace it. Accept that your friend has just fallen asleep against your legs. Reduce dance moves to only upper body as to not disrupt slumbering friend. Cheer on bride as she makes the most pitiful attempt you’ve ever seen at a champagne shower.
4:00 AM. Repeat previous nights room service and social media mistakes.
12:00 PM. Decide what’s done is done and leave social media scandals. Put on bathing suit and crawl to pool.
|Because you didn’t really go on vacation unless you post a picture of your legs and the pool|
3:00 PM. Come to. Thank friends for loving you despite your deplorable actions over the weekend. Accept their faults as well. Fly home in silent reflection (dead asleep and drooling).
11:00 PM …in Los Angeles. Get this weird urge to dance. Was it? No.. it couldn’t have been… but it is. For a fleeting moment, you almost.. kind of.. miss Mandala. Shake off feeling. Call bride to curse her for not choosing a spa getaway in Palm Springs instead of Cabo.
12:00 PM. Can’t sleep.
12:01 PM. ….start planning your own bachelorette party to Cabo.