You chose to go out in hollywood, and now you must pay the price. Figuratively and literally. Channeling my inner blonde LA bitch, this is the best advice I can come up with.
Lessons learned from a night (or 40) in Hollywood:
1. Don’t explain what you do for work unless you’re so filthy rich that you have to elaborate on doing nothing but making money exponentially from deals already made.
2. I don’t care who you know unless perhaps it’s George Clooney or Heidi Klum. Name dropping is horrific and i am assuming you’re fabricating stories anyways, so just stop.
3. Please only squirt once with your cologne. Please?
4. Stealing a girls phone.. putting in your number.. then pressing “call” isn’t cute or clever. And now I want to waste the money to change my number.
5. Don’t call my friends stuck up, or bitchy, or rude, or slutty, or anything else derogatory. I know they’re whorish wenches, but only I can say that.. not you.
6. Helicopters are impressive. No copter? (loser) fine. but don’t pawn us off into a 6 person limo squished with 24 people and act like you’re doing us a favor. You’re the lucky one.. we graced you with our presence.
7. Please don’t touch my lower back. Or my hair. Or my face, hand, tits, feet, love handles, nothing. Touch the bill when you’re ready to pay, and that’s it. If i want physicality, I’ll do the touching.
8. Oh you’re an actor? yawn. you’re poor.
9. Thanks for the $12 vodka soda, but you didn’t just buy a blow job. You bought a girl in LA a drink, all that gets you is 1-2 mins of banter.
10. Hold my camera when I want to take pictures with my friends and I might thank you. Take my camera, turn it to your face and take the most obnoxious and hideous picture of your gangly snaggle tooth grin and I’ll immediately write you off as a d-bag.
11. Cool fedora. Ohh wait, fedoras were out of style for guys about the same time as Ed Hardy graphic tees. Let it go.
12. No really, if you’re holding on to anything Ed Hardy.. really let it go.
13. Naming off the top 6 bachelors in this seasons bachelorette doesn’t make you instantly attractive …it makes me question your sexuality.
Really though, LA is tough. Just be yourself and show your personality and you will literally stick out as an anomaly. If you can make me giggle or engage me in thought provoking banter then I will gladly let down my front and have the night of my life. Yes, you can be anyone you want in LA and reinvent yourself… but you’ll be transparent. Channel what makes you unique.. what you are truly passionate about.. and wear it proudly on your shoulder and I promise you’ll be irresistible.
