Gardening Tips 2: From One Novice to Another

Gardening Tips 2: From One Novice to Another

1. perennials mean it comes back every year.. supposedly.

2. While your screaming bloody murder because a toad had the misfortune of scaring the shit out of you by popping out of the weeds you neglected out of laziness, don’t get bit by horse flies… I swear they live for this.

3. Horse flies are simply reincarnation of the devil himself.

4. Confide in the guy at the gardening center. No really, treat him like your therapist.. or even get as personal as your hairdresser.  Let him know that if you don’t have any blooming flowers in the next 2 weeks you will consider suicide and that this is all driven out of your last boyfriend telling you that you couldn’t spell domestic.  (or whatever works.. clearly i just hypothesized that..).  He or she is your lifeline, your new best friend.  Bake him cookies, shower him with compliment – whatever will work to get out the tips we need.

5. People born with green thumbs come out of the womb with binoculars too.  So don’t say, omgosh look at that cute cardinal.. because they will call you out for not knowing that that is actually a robin, and you are a moron.

6. So you’re in a planting frenzy and decided to plant your apple core in the middle of your yard with more tender love and care than you show children?  Completely acceptable in my book …but don’t tell anyone else.  I used the excuse, “can you believe my dog is such a devil he dug up the middle of my yard?!”  By the way, this core will not grow into an apple tree.  but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming.

7. Did I mention how horrific horse fly bites are?  Remember that foul pink cream our parent would cover us in for mosquito bites?  Yepp. It made a comeback tonight.

8. curse at the weeds as you rip them up, I swear (pun alert! heh heh) it works. Ok, maybe it doesn’t work but i told one weed that my flower was going to eat it for breakfast and turn it into fertilizer for its friends.. and i actually sang move bitch get out the way to another group of pesky weeds, and you know what? I felt a whole better.

10. Planting brightly colored (I did orange and yellow) plants around your garden acts as deer repellant.

11. Assess your space. And till it all for god sakes, theres nothing worse than tilling only a spot, planting, then realizing you need more room and stepping on your freshly planted seed while you till the rest.

12. Organic fertilizer just means chicken shit.. and your garden doesn’t like it.   Spring for some Dr Earth

I think that’ll do for today.. but I sure learned a lot! 🙂

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